NOTES FROM THE UNDERGRADS
by Peter Breakfast
"Holy
shit, guess who fucking messaged me today”
"No
idea”
"Elaine.
fucking. Bunter”
"That
brainy bitch from psych?”
"With
the gloves”
"She’d
wear green gloves every day”
"Even
in the summer”
"And
put her hair in three pony tails”
"I
know!”
"Winter
gloves in the summer”
"Anyway,
get this”
"What?”
"She’s
getting married”
"FUCK!
To who? Don’t fucking tell me it’s Jordan Stein”
"No”
"Sheldon
Hougland?”
"No”
"Will
you just fucking tell me already!? I’m pissing my goddamn pants”
"Steven.
Philano”
"AHHHH!”
"I
know!”
"Doesn’t
he have a fucking tail!?”
"Uh
yeah, duh”
"Their
kids are going to be FREAKS!”
"We
need to get pictures of their kids”
"If
not the kids themselves”
"We
would be such great parents for them”
"Chyeah,
I know”
"Those
kids would totally shed all imperfections and become kind, generous
people”
"But
they wouldn’t take no shit”
"Of
course not!”
"We
should train them in martial arts”
"And
philosophy or whatever”
"So
what else did Elaine say?”
"Oh
just a bunch of shit about how she’s ‘turning a new leaf’”
"Ew”
"Steven
Philano really ‘turned her life around’”
"Double
ew!”
"Anyway,
she wants to see us”
"Triple
ew!
"I
know”
"Your
life’s not like some fucking coming of age movie”
"That’s
80 years long”
"She’ll
probably spout some bullshit about forgiving us”
"And
mention jesus”
"And
have an ipod playing inspirational music”
"And
a camera crew”
"She’s
horribly in debt from making this movie”
"'But
the world must see it!’”
"'You
don’t understand!’”
"I
hope she’s like 400 pounds”
"It
looks fake”
"Yeah,
but when people say that it’s because they’re thinking of
something fake that was made in the image of the actual thing”
"Yeah,
that’s what fake is”
"So
really it looks real”
"Okay...”
"Because
it is real, this is a photograph”
“Okay,
whatever, who gives a shit?”
"Holy
shit I look like old Glenn Close”
"Well,
you are 24…”
"Don’t
fucking remind me”
"It’s
true!”
"So
are you, bitch!”
"At
least I don’t look like Glenn Close”
"She
played Cruella De Vil”
"Twice!”
"I
look like a cow that just exploded”
"Like
that agent guy from the matrix movies”
"Can’t
I just get surgery or something?”
"Seriously,
what have you done to your face?”
"Maybe
I should’ve stayed inside more”
"Yeah,
the sun is really bad for your skin”
"And
your clothes”
"It
degrades the fabric”
"Ugh!
I blame my mother for this. Not only is it her gene pool, but when we
were kids she’d always tell us to ‘go outside and play’”
"Why
didn’t she say ‘stay inside and read’?”
"Or
‘buy some clothes online’?”
"Or
‘go fly a kite’? That sounds kind of nice”
"Ugh.
Will I ever get fucked?”
"What
about that guy from the other night?”
"He
was the agent guy from the matrix”
"Not
to mention the only single guy in a twelve mile radius”
"Remember
that 16 year old drop dead gorgeous babe last year?”
"Oh
my god, when I saw his car I just about died”
"Yeah,
we had to take you to the ER”
"I
know! I’m still paying for that shit”
"But
anyway I just thought that kid was funny considering...”
"You
mean that he was married?”
"Yeah,
and had a kid”
"Like
what is this the year 1202?”
"There’s
no way they were in love”
"They
probably had the kid first”
"And
their parents made them keep it and get married”
"AGH!
Life over!”
"Do
people not realize you can totally just get fucked for your whole
life without getting married?”
"No!
They get serious!”
"Have
to make it official”
"In
the lord’s eyes”
"GAG!”
"Do
you have any smokes?”
"Get
me the fuck out of this town”
"Fuck,
I know”
"Pittsboring”
"Uh!”
"I
know”
"I’m
absolutely amazed”
"I
know!”
"Like
how many fucking farmers’ markets do we need?”
"To
feel good enough about ourselves”
"Or
pollinator gardens”
"Or
bumper stickers that say ‘STOP GLOBAL WARMING!’”
"Like
I’d be like ‘oh, okay, yeah, I’ll get right on that’!”
"Does
anyone realize that 95% of the population is still fucking shopping
at walmart?”
"And
100% of the population is still fucking burning mountaintops in their
coffee makers?”
"Oh,
but it’s fair trade coffee”
"Organic”
"GAP
certified”
"Piedmont
grown”
"I
swear if there’s one more goddamn ass label to paste onto a goddamn
sugar-filled candybar I’ll literally take an axe to every tree in
this county”
"Animal
welfare approved”
"You
know what, there’s enough labels already. I’m going to do it”
"Ugh”
"Do
you have an axe? I literally want to know if you have an axe”
"You
can help those chatham park meatheads”
"Where
is the nearest literal axe?”
"Maybe
you can get some funding from slow money”
"UUUUGH!
Get. Out!”
"What’s
wrong with slow money?”
"How
about some fast shut the fuck up?”
"What’s
the harm in a bunch of white people throwing money at each other?”
"Okay.
I need to calm down. I’ll admit that. But when the fucking ice age
comes and no one can drive a car or turn on a computer, before I even
think of what life is going to be like or if I’ll be in any way
safe the first thing I’m doing is fucking leaving this goddamn ass
town”
"Okay.
We’ll go together”
"And
join a mad max gang”
"Deal”
"Hey”
"Hey”
"What
are you doing?”
"Nothing”
"Are
you still sick?”
"Okay,
I’m not doing nothing. I’m sitting on the bathroom floor waiting
to puke again”
"Ah!
Don’t tell me that!”
"You
asked”
"Why
did you ever eat those weird plants?”
"I
don’t know, I was just trying to be cool”
"By
ingesting bacteria?”
"It
was collard greens!”
"Yeah
from a farmer! Those people are dirty”
"Yeah....”
"What
do you mean “yeah”? They literally work in the dirt all day.
That’s an objective truth”
"I
don’t care who you are, some of those people were downright
attractive”
"Like
they’d be like ‘Wow, look at that girl! She’s eating our
food!’”
"Yeah…”
"'I
want to marry her!’”
"Only
to soon discover she hates the outdoors”
"And
only eats spaghetti”
"Fuck
you!”
"Okay
okay, and salt”
"Ugh!”
"Sorry”
"It’s
fine, I’m not ‘Ugh’ing at you”
"So
what is it?”
"Well
maybe it’s just that I’m sick, but sometimes I think this is
total bunk-ass bullshit”
"What
is?”
"Everything!”
"Could
you be more specific?”
"Like...
the only reason I fucking ate that green shit was because I felt like
if I did I’d belong and feel good. And now I’m sick and I don’t.
And basically like the same sort of shit happens all the time, even
when I’m just like... doing whatever”
"Wow...”
"What?”
"That’s
deep”
"Shut
up”
"No
really. Nobel Prize shit”
"...”
"Put
some inaccessible flowery language into that little speech of yours,
make it 200 pages, and you’ve got a goddamn Nobel Prize”
"Can
you ever take me seriously, you cunt!?”
"...”
"...”
"Sorry”
"Thank
christ there’s a tiny bit of sympathy still left in there...”
"I
was just kidding. Do you want me to come over there or something?”
"No,
it’s fine. I’ll just eat some more fucking spaghetti or
something”
